This morning I went in for my second progesterone draw and convinced the nurse to look into my file to see what my values were on Wednesday. It was a pathetic 2. Without the HCG booster shots last cycle it was 5 so I don't think the booster shots are helping me. With a value of 2 I have a next to nothing chance of being pregnant so I have to just wait for AF and start my next cycle.
On my way out from the clinic I called my husband to let him know the results. I joked to him saying that I can now drink all the coffee I want and take all the migraine medicines I need. He was very shocked to hear me joke and laugh about it.
Little did he know that all I wanted to do was cry, scream and curse that this cycle is another pathetic failure.
Little did he know that for the past 10 days I've been trying to not talk to him about any of the little symptoms that I have and have been lying to him that I am not hopeful.
Little did he know that every time I told him that I was sure that I wasn't pregnant this cycle, I still had hope and dint want to make a big fool of myself at the end when it turns out to be a BFN.
Little did he know that I so badly wanted this cycle to work as we are moving on to injectables next cycle and from then on nothing is covered by my insurance.
Little did he know that I am feeling so low and sad that I have dis-appointed him one more time and that I want to go home and crawl back into bed instead of being at work right now.
I know I am at the early stages of IF and have a long way ahead and cannot give up this early. I know that I need to be strong for my sake and for my husband's sake. I am going to give myself this weekend to feel depressed and once I get AF I will move on and think positive about the next cycle.
Ps: My husband does not know about this blog so I am safe here to pour out my real feelings.
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3 comments:
I'm so sorry you've heard such disappointing results and now you have to wait for AF.
My clinic didn't tell me to come in for progesterone monitoring, so I'm a little confused- I'll have to go to Dr G.oogle after this. But they've got me taking progesterone twice a day- are you doing the same?
Let it all out on the blog- I hope it helps, and I hope you can move on to the next cycle with renewed strength. I hear you about injectibles- I still feel completely normal so am expecting to be joining you.
I just want to give you a BIG BIG hug right now. I cannot even imagine the burden you bear. It sounds like you are trying so hard to keep it in, but you really just need to let it all come out. Please know that we are hear for you and we are happy to listen and lend our support to whatever you face.
Can I be so bold as to ask why you feel you have to shoulder the burden along? Why are you not telling DH your true feelings? Isn't that part of marriage - to love and honor through sickness and in health part? I don't want this to come across as mean or unloving, but as an encouragment.
I know I've been super lucky to have a very supportive husband and have a friend who doesn't, but it seems that he knows a bit about it, maybe he can be more supportive if he knows more? I don't really know. You know best.
Either way -- we're hear for you. I hope you get a wonderful weekend to get all your emotions out.
I'm so sorry you're feeling so down...I know very much how you are feeling, as I went through all that hiding last month too. I kept pretending like I wasn't hoping, or I wasn't excited, so I wouldn't hurt myself when it all came crashing down, which it did.
Be kind to yourself this weekend and do whatever you need to do to feel better.
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