Monday, September 29, 2008

Cycle 5 - CD12 - Follicle not growing

It has been a really frustrating day so far. Last night both me and my husband had a big fight. It was a very simple issue but it kinda got out of hand. It was time for my injections and usually DH gives me my shots every evening. I filled up the syringe and then I told him to close the blinds and he said that it was not necessary as it was quite bright outside. I still felt bad and I told him that I want the blinds closed. I guess I said it quite harshly and he got so mad. He said that I have been yelling at him for everything lately. I lost it too and I said that I would do the injection myself. I took it from him, went to my bedroom and gave myself the injection and then started crying. I guess it was not about the fight but was mainly about the fact that I have to go through so much everyday. IF does take its toll and maybe both me and my DH are stressed and are taking it out on each other.
I wish he was a little more understanding. I usually do well with the injections and it doesn't hurt much so he thinks that these injections are no big deal. It is a huge deal to me. Last week when I told him that I will have to do ganirelix injections along with menopur so that would be two shots a day he shrugged it off saying it would hardly hurt. Little does he know that it hurts maybe little physically but a lot emotionally.
This morning I went to my ultrasound with a heavy heart and my ultrasound was pretty disappointing. I have one follicle at 8mm on the left ovary and 2 at 8 and 7 at the right ovary. I have been on the injections for 8days now and no significant growth yet. In fact the right one measured at 9mm, 3 days ago. The nurse who spoke to me after the ultrasound was surprised that they did not have me double the dose on Friday because my estrogen was only at 40. The only good news was that my lining looked good and measure at 7.2mm. I cried the whole way back to work (30min) and am still pretty depressed.
Anyway my estrogen level for today was at 57 and so they have decided to double my dosage. I will be doing 150IU of Menopur for 3 days and go back for an ultrasound on Thursday. The medications have cost me 1100$ so far and if I go the IUI way then that's another 600$. I wish this cycle eventually works out but honestly I am so low now that I don't have any hope at all.

Friday, September 26, 2008

Cycle 5 - CD9

My first ultrasound of this cycle was this morning. I have been on the lowest dose of Menopur (75IU) for 5 days and today my follicle measurement was a 9mm and 7.4mm on the right and a 6.5mm on the left. The ultrasound tech also mentioned that my lining looked really good compared to all my previous scans. I forgot to ask her the measurement. So now I will have to wait for my nurse to call me with the estrogen values based on which she would tell me to either stay on the same dosage or increase it. Once my follicles reach a certain size I will start taking ganirelix along with menopur for the last few days. This is to prevent premature release with my own LH surge (not that I have surged on my own in the past). I guess they want to go the HCG trigger way so that they can time me for the IUI.

I am slowly beginning to agree with my husband about taking a break. With all these medications I feel sick (migraine, nausea) most of the time and I am always tired. I am beginning to forget how I was before all this started. Based on how this cycle goes I will be seriously considering taking a break.

Ever since I started my quilting class I have been pretty addicted. I will be finishing my first lap quilt this weekend. I got a pattern from the Internet and started this even before I started my class. I have already bought material for 2 king size quilts and one baby quilt. My neighbours 18month old daughter is diagnosed with cancer in her stomach and she is undergoing chemo to reduce the tumour size. Once its reduced they will be surgically removing it from her tummy. Both me and my husband feel so much for this little girl so I thought I will make her a baby quilt with animals and flowers. Lets hope I finish it before her surgery.

Monday, September 22, 2008

Cycle 5 - CD5 - Menopur

After my last Thursday post I started bleeding heavily so it was considered my Cycle 5 CD1. I went to the clinic on Saturday for my baseline ultrasound and blood work. Everything looked normal in the ultrasound and I am still waiting for the blood results. The plan for this cycle is to be on Menopur 75IU injectables and try to slowly grow my follicles. The doctor is really worried about overstimming me because of my PCOS but with my really pathetic response to clomid and femara I am thinking that it wouldn't happen.

My clinic had some donated medication and so I got about 7 days worth of free medication. I am going back on Friday (5 days after stimming) for an ultrasound and blood test. Based on the results my dosage will be adjusted and I will have to buy the additional medication. I would love to hear from people who have used Menopur in the past regarding cost of medication and side-effects.

Last thursday I was telling my husband that maybe after this injectable cycle we might have to move on to IVF. He was shocked at the idea and said that we are moving too fast and we need to slow down. We got into an argument and I guess since it was my CD1 I was very vulnerable and burst into tears. He was trying to justify that since IVF is the last option we need to keep it for the very end. His concern is what if that doesn't work then we have no other option left. My justification was since we are young (both of us are 29) we have a very good chance at IVF (producing eggs is our only problem so far). And its not like we jumped into IVF right away. We did try clomid and femara and my response was not so good. This cycle we are trying injectables and maybe if I respond good I might even consider another round of injectables but if I develop too many eggs or too less eggs then IVF is our best bet and I do not want to delay it. Finally he said that he understands my point of view but we need to set a deadline and take a break as my body needs rest. I had to take 15 imitrex tablets during my last cycle for my migraines and the recommended dose is 5-6 per month. Without the fertility medication and migraine medication I am already taking 14pills every day out of which 11 are to help me get pregnant and 3 are for my heartburn. I guess he is right. My body is going to break down soon if I do not give it some rest. We will be making a decision based on my response this cycle. If we do go on a break then it would mean that I will not ovulate on my own so I will need either birth control pills or progesterone to shed my lining. Hope this cycle will work and I do not have to worry about my next cycle.

Thursday, September 18, 2008

Cycle 4 - CD34 - 15DPO

Last evening as usual I was down with a bad migraine and was lying down in a dark room. My husband comes in lies next to me, hugs me and says "I don't want you to suffer so much. I don't want kids". I wanted to burst into tears and tell him that because he cares so much and he is so loving it gives me all the more reason to want to have his kid. I don't know what I would do without him in my life. I have read in many blogs that slowly IF begins to take a toll in a relationship. Thankfully so far it has just made us closer and stronger. I hope it stays this way forever.

Today morning I had a mild brown discharge which usually happens to me before AF. I am thinking that it should start tomorrow or day after. I will be moving on to injectables now.

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Cycle 4 - CD33 - 14DPO - BFN

Sorry I have been missing lately because I have been having terrible migraines. I have a headache almost everyday. The first half of the cycle I get migraines because of the fertility meds (either clomid or femara) and the second half I get migraines because of the low progesterone levels. This month my progesterone level was at 15 and was much better than the last 2 cycles (5 and 2). The doctors office told me that 15 was on the low end of their accepted levels but still a good number considering my history. So that was enough reason for me to be extra hopeful. My nurse had asked me to test on Friday at 16DPO because of the HCG booster shots that I got during my LP. Like always I gave in to temptation and POAS today and it was a BFN. I also feel like I am going to start AF anytime now.

It would be a lie to say that I am not disappointed. The thing that hurts the most is my husband who never talks about pregnancy during the 2ww kept telling me that this cycle it would work. I feel sad that I failed him one more time. It really hurts to crush his hope down. I am going to keep myself really busy and wait to start the next cycle soon.

Monday, September 8, 2008

Cycle 4 - CD24 - 5DPO

My husband gave me the first HCG booster shot last Friday. I get my second one today. I get headaches and mild nausea after the shots and it lasts for about 2 days. The only good thing about these shots is that it does not hurt. I hardly feel the prick so I don't mind getting these shots.

Symptom wise I have none. That does not mean I not hopeful about this cycle. It just means I am crazy and will continue to hope till I get a negative blood test or AF. I have about 10 more days before either of this happens. Last night my husband told me that one of his friend's wife is pregnant. We know the couple pretty well and we have hanged out with them a lot. The thing that got to me is that they had their first kid just this January. Can you believe it. She gives birth and 4 months later she is pregnant again. I am happy for her but sad and hurt at the same time. God is so unfair at times. Another thing I noticed is pregnancy news in the first half of my cycle does not affect me as much as the ones in the second half of the cycle. First half I am full of optimism and positive thoughts whereas second half I am doubtful and hopeful at the same time (read already crazy). I don't think I can go visit them or talk to her till I start my next cycle.

I have been feeling really down and depressed since this morning. It could be because of a lot of things but IF is the only thing on my mind. Weekends I keep myself busy with all the stitching needed for my quilting class and since I am doing that like a maniac I finish it pretty fast. So I went and bought some fabric for table cloth, place mats and napkins. I am planning to start this project soon. I wish next week was here already.

Thursday, September 4, 2008

Cycle 4 - CD20 - 1DPO

Like always I did not ovulate on my own. So Tuesday morning I went for an ultrasound and the right dominant follicle was measuring at 26mm and the remaining were all small. The lining was measuring at 10.8mm. Before I could feel happy about my follicle update the nurse came in to tell me that they were out of HCG trigger shots. She tried calling a couple of places but no luck. Finally she wanted me to go to their main office which is about 50miles away. She called to let them know that I am on my way as they were holding on to the one single trigger shot that they had left. I would have gone crazy if they didn't have any left for me.

Eventually I went there and got my trigger shot at 2 in the afternoon. The nurse told me that I will be ovulating sometime during Wednesday night. She advised me to have sex Wednesday night, Thursday morning and night. We had sex last night but were not able to this morning. It was really weird to get up early and do it before work. We tried but couldn't. We will be doing it tonight and I hope that it would make up for this morning mishap. Either way I am officially 1dpo and I get to start my HCG booster shots from tomorrow for low progesterone. I need to get 3 HCG booster shots on 08/05, 08/08 and 08/11. I go back to the clinic on Sep10 for my progesterone check.

I hope that everything works out fine this cycle and it gives me the BFP that I've been wanting for a long time. Wish me luck.