Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Cycle 3 - CD44 - 14dpo - BFN

I tested this morning just for the heck of it and got a BFN. I was not too disappointed because there was a next to zero chance of me being pregnant with a progesterone value of 1. The only frustrating this is last cycle I got AF, 13 dpo and this cycle there is no sign of it yet. I so badly want to get AF so that I can start my next cycle and move forward.

The weekend was busy with the dinner and everything. I cooked for most part of Saturday and both me and my husband cleaned the house and were so tired by the time the guests arrived. There were 2 kids and the minute they entered the house one of them asked where the toy room was. I was taken by surprise and did not know how to respond and one of the mom's said "There are no kids in this house so no toy room". None of them know about our IF struggle so I know that the statement was not mean to be hurtful but still it hurt. Sunday when me and my husband were out for a walk in our community we figured that our lot was one of the biggest and I saw so many other kids playing in their yards and I told him "We have a great house and a big yard but no kids to play in them". His reply "Don't worry we will have lots of them soon". That was enough to cheer me up and get me ready for the next cycle. Wish it started soon.

Friday, July 25, 2008

Cycle 3 - CD40 - 10dpo - Update

My nurse just called to say that my progesterone value today was 1 (it was 2, 3 days ago) which means I will be getting my AF anytime now. The nurse said that she needs to talk to my doc and figure out what new meds I will be taking next cycle during the luteal phase to help with my progesterone.
Also I wanted to clarify, that I held back my true feelings from my husband because he was quite hopeful this cycle and I didn't want to cause him more pain. He is really very very sweet and supportive and I usually cry and crib to him when I meet pregnant friends or hear news of pregnancy. But today he is sounding very low and so I am trying to be all cheerful for the both of us. I don't think we both can be depressed at the same time cause then we will come crashing down. I have already planned dinner and movie tonight and tomorrow I have 4 families coming home for dinner. I guess this weekend I will be busy and occupied till AF arrives.

Cycle 3 - CD40 - 10dpo - Feeling Low

This morning I went in for my second progesterone draw and convinced the nurse to look into my file to see what my values were on Wednesday. It was a pathetic 2. Without the HCG booster shots last cycle it was 5 so I don't think the booster shots are helping me. With a value of 2 I have a next to nothing chance of being pregnant so I have to just wait for AF and start my next cycle.
On my way out from the clinic I called my husband to let him know the results. I joked to him saying that I can now drink all the coffee I want and take all the migraine medicines I need. He was very shocked to hear me joke and laugh about it.

Little did he know that all I wanted to do was cry, scream and curse that this cycle is another pathetic failure.
Little did he know that for the past 10 days I've been trying to not talk to him about any of the little symptoms that I have and have been lying to him that I am not hopeful.
Little did he know that every time I told him that I was sure that I wasn't pregnant this cycle, I still had hope and dint want to make a big fool of myself at the end when it turns out to be a BFN.
Little did he know that I so badly wanted this cycle to work as we are moving on to injectables next cycle and from then on nothing is covered by my insurance.
Little did he know that I am feeling so low and sad that I have dis-appointed him one more time and that I want to go home and crawl back into bed instead of being at work right now.

I know I am at the early stages of IF and have a long way ahead and cannot give up this early. I know that I need to be strong for my sake and for my husband's sake. I am going to give myself this weekend to feel depressed and once I get AF I will move on and think positive about the next cycle.

Ps: My husband does not know about this blog so I am safe here to pour out my real feelings.

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

Cycle 3 - CD37 - 7dpo - Symptom Update

Last Thursday both me and my DH went for the HCG injection class and learnt how to administer the HCG booster shots (sub-cutaneous). He gave me the first shot at the clinic itself and I did not feel a thing. He gave me the second shot at home on Sunday and I felt a slight prick. I was so terrified about the shots but now I am glad that they are making us do the booster shots, instead of PIO as I've read too many painful stories about those. Also I guess the tons of excess fat in my tummy is helping with these shots. Finally a benefit of having a loaded tummy.

Weekend I had friends over and so did not have much time to fret about the 2ww. But now even though I have lots to do at work I am thinking about it the whole time. Symptom wise there is absolutely nothing that I am feeling.

Bleeding or Spotting - NO
Cramping or Twinges - 2 in the past 1 week
Pain - NO
Sore Boobs - NO
Migraine - YES YES and YES

I have been having migraines continuously for the past 3 days. I don't know if the migraines are because of the HCG booster shots or because of the dip in progesterone that my body is going through in preparation for AF. I usually get migraines a few days before AF so I am sure that this cycle is a big bust. This morning I went for my progesterone draw but will not know the results till Friday, when I go back for another progesterone check. In a way having no symptoms is helping me in not having too much hope. I am 90% confident that this cycle did not work but the remaining 10% is pretty hopeful. I still have one more week to do a HPT unless AF shows before that.

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Cycle 3 - CD31 - 1DPO

I've finally ovulated. Today morning in my ultrasound the follicle size had reduced to 16mm indicating ovulation. My lining has also reduced to 9.8mm and I am not sure if that is normal with ovulation. The nurse said that everything looks fine. I must have ovulated sometime yesterday evening as I had weird sharp pain in my pelvic area off and on. So now I am in my 2ww and trying hard to not worry about it already.

Monday, July 14, 2008

Cycle 3 - CD29 - My confusing weekend story

So after my Friday ultrasound I was advised to test with OPK's till Sunday and come back on Monday for another ultrasound. Saturday evening my test line was as dark as the control line. It was not darker but still I wasnt sure if it meant a surge. When I called my clinic they asked me to come for an ultrasound on Sunday morning. I had to go to my clinic's main office 1hr away instead of the regular office (30min away) as the regular office is closed on weekends. Also the main office is open only between 7:30am and 9:30am on weekends and my appointment was at 9am, so we left at around 8am.

After the ultrasound I glanced at the screen and saw my dominant follicle size at 20.6mm and was feeling confident. When I came out to speak to the nurse she had a totally different measurement and confused me completely. She said that the follicle size was 18mm and that could mean that I ovulated and hence it is becoming smaller. She also told me that my lining was 8.5mm whereas on Friday it was 10.5mm. I was sure that there was a mistake and was feeling very frustrated. I was asked to continue tesing using OPK's and if I found a surge Sunday evening then go for an ultrasound on Tuesday else on Monday. Yesterday evening when I tested the test line was dark but not as dark as the control line so I went for an ultrasound this morning.

The ultrasound tech in my regular clinic is very friendly and tells me the results even before I meet the nurse. She said that my lining was at 12.4mm and my dominant follicle at 21mm.

Fri -> Uterine lining -> 10.5mm Follicle size -> 19mm
Sun -> Uterine lining -> 8.5mm Follicle size -> 18mm
Mon -> Uterine lining -> 12.4mm Follicle size -> 21mm

This clearly indicates that my Sunday scan was a big mistake as there is absolutely no way both my follicle and lining reduced in size and increased significantly by Monday. When I spoke to the nurse this morning after my ultrasound I told her about how confusing it is and she said that even she was surprised. But since she works for the same clinic she did not want to say that the other nurse and ultrasound tech were wrong, instead she said that with different people the measurements change. Anyway after all this she tested me for LH surge and it wasn't there, so she went ahead and gave me the HCG trigger shot (10,000 IU), which means that I will be ovulating between the next 24 to 48 hrs. I go back on Wednesday for another ultrasound to make sure that I ovulated.

Since my progesterone values were low last cycle my doc recommends taking 3 lower dose HCG booster shots during the luteal phase. These shots trick my body into believing that I am pregnant and so makes my corpus luteum produce more progesterone. For me it means that I will have all possible pregnancy symptoms during my 2ww and still should not have high hopes (as if that's gonna ever happen). So I go back on Thursday with my husband for the first booster shot and he gets to learn how to administer those. These are sub-cutaneous and given in the tummy. Then I get the second and third shots on Sunday (07/20) and Wednesday (07/23). I have my progesterone tests on Tuesday (07/22) and Friday (07/25). Finally by Tuesday (07/29) if I don't get a period then I test at home for pregnancy.

Unlike last cycle this cycle I have to go to the clinic for so many different things in the 2ww and I have friends visiting and staying with us this weekend and friends coming home for dinner next weekend. This would occupy my idle mind so that I will have less time to worry about my 2ww.
Wish me luck.

I have a few questions and would like to get the help of the IF community.

1. Is my uterine lining at 12.4mm too thick for implantation?
2. I got the trigger shot at 10am this morning, so when is the right time to bed with my husband?
3. Is there anyone out there who have done these HCG booster shots and can you let me know your experiences with it (regarding side effects and benefits)?

Friday, July 11, 2008

Cycle 3 - CD26 - Still not there yet

Today morning I went for another disappointing ultrasound. The dominant follicle on the left ovary measures only 19mm and they want it at least at 22mm before trigger. So I get to wait for a couple more days and go back on Monday for another ultrasound and possible trigger. The only good news was my lining was at 11.5mm. I am at CD26 and still ha vent ovulated this cycle. So I guess this will end up being a 45-50 day cycle and I am not hopeful at all. Since its taking forever for the follicle to grow we have decided not to go for IUI this cycle. I am doubting the quality of the egg and don't want to waste money on IUI this time. Next cycle will be with injectables so I am hoping to respond better and go for an IUI next cycle. So I am back in the waiting game.

Wednesday, July 9, 2008

Cycle 3 - CD24

Its not good news and its not bad news either. Since I did not see a surge till yesterday I went for my ultrasound this morning. I have one 7 mm follicle on my right ovary and three 9mm follicles on the left and one 18mm dominant follicle on the left. I am glad that there is at least one dominant follicle but it is taking forever to grow and they want it to be at least 21mm before trigger. My uterus lining is at 8.5mm and they want it to be at least 8mm, so that is good. My doc has asked me to test with OPK's for the next 2 days and go back on Friday for another ultrasound and possible trigger. My favorite RN is off on Fridays and the other RN is not so friendly. She is not rude or anything but she never says a additional word. She just gives me the result and that's it. I guess I will have to adjust with her on Friday and hope things look promising by then.

I am not so confident about this cycle because of the really long follicular phase. Although its been 6 days since I stopped clomid I still have migraines and hot flashes. The insomnia is gone so I think slowly the remaining side effects will also stop. At least I know that this will be my last clomid cycle. Next cycle they would either make me try a different medicine or move to injectibles. Although with PCOS, injectible cycles have a higher risk of multiples but my doctor thinks that with close monitoring they should be able to control my follicle stimulation.

Monday, July 7, 2008

Cycle 3 - CD22

I am back from my get together. We enjoyed the vacation and I had fun playing with the 1.5 yr old. I've figured out that I get hurt only seeing new Born's and pregnant women. Older kids are fine and the host who was pregnant was not flaunting her pregnancy. So it was a fun weekend except for the fact that I still have hot flashes. It takes at least 10days for the clomid to completely leave my system. Another side effect is vaginal dryness. I am not sure if this is going to affect my chances of getting pregnant at home. I still haven't surged which means I test today and tomorrow and if not surge I go back for an ultrasound on Wednesday. If my dryness does not improve then I might consider getting at least one IUI this cycle. So for now its just wait and see and I do have a lot of blog reading to do.

Thursday, July 3, 2008

Cycle 3 - CD18 - Follicle Update

Finally I get to stop my clomid. I still do not have big follicles but I have decent ones (3 at 11mm on the left ovary and 3 at 10, 8, 8mm on my right ovary). My doc thinks that I can stop the clomid and let the follicles grow on their own for a few days. She wants me to start using OPK's from Saturday although she feels that Monday is the earliest that I will ovulate. If I dont see a surge by Tuesday (Jul 8) I go back for an ultrasound and trigger shot. My uterus lining was also a bit thin (about 5mm) and the doc thinks that once I stop the clomid the lining might grow faster. I've decided to wait till my surge to make a decision about IUI.

We are driving today to a friends place 7hrs away, for the long weekend. Its a get together with some of my undergrad friends. The only troubling thing is that out of the two other couples one has a 1.5 yr old and the other (the one that's hosting) is 5 months pregnant. I am happy for both of them but still when I actually see them I am worried that it is going to remind me of what I so badly want to have but cant at this point. Infact both of them claimed that they were'nt trying so that just adds to my misery. We have a few more single friends coming too so I guess I'll try to hang out with them as much as possible and try to have some fun.

No matter what, in the back of my mind I am going to be thinking about my follicles and ovulation all the time. So wish me luck with my follicles and the get together.

Wednesday, July 2, 2008

Cycle 3 - CD17 - IUI or NOT

Tomorrow I go back for my ultrasound to see if my follicles have grown enough. My doc wants them to be at least 15mm before I stop the clomid. Monday they were at 8mm so I am hoping that tomorrow would be the day. If they did grow enough then I get to stop the clomid and start using OPK's to see if I ovulate on my own. If not then I go back in 4 days and get the trigger shot. So the big question is should I go for an IUI this cycle or not. I am listing my reasons for both decisions and would like the help of the community to help me decide.

Reasons for NO IUI:
I was on the pill for 2 years before TTC and then I did not ovulate for a yr. My ovulation last cycle was the first in 3 years. So my doc thinks that it wont hurt for me to wait a couple more cycles as I've hardly had a chance to get pregnant on my own. Also they feel that I am young enough (28yrs) to wait for a few more cycles.
My insurance does not cover IUI so I have to pay for it from my own pocket and for all the tests after the IUI. My doctor's office recommends 2 IUI's in a cycle so my total cost including 2 IUI's and blood tests would be around $800 for this cycle.
I am not sure if the extended clomid treatment affects my lining and egg quality so I dont know if I should wait to do an IUI with an injectible cycle.

Reasons for IUI:
Since I did not ovulate on my own for the past one year, I never got a period on my own. So every month when I did not get my period I would hope that I was pregnant. The doctors would make me wait till cd40 to do a blood test so the time between cd30 to cd40 would be hell. I would POAS like an addict every two days. I also was not allowed to take my migraine meds during the second half of every cycle (cos what if I was pregnant) and so would have to suffer through terrible migraines. So even though I ovulated only last month and that is considered my first active trying cycle, I still went through a year of disappointments and false hopes, so I want to reach my pregnancy goal as soon as possible.
The second big reason would be that I do not respond to regular clomid treatment. Mine is an extended cycle which means I take clomid for 7 days and then go for blood tests and ultrasound every two days to determine if I have a big follicle and my estradiol is above 300. Only then I get to stop the clomid so last cycle it was 13days of clomid and this cycle its already been 15days. So I suffer with migraines, hot flashes and insomnia for a real long time every cycle in addition to the never ending ultrasounds and blood pricks. So I am hoping that if I do an IUI, I might at least avoid cervical mucus problems and give my body a better chance to get pregnant this cycle.
Please give me your suggestions and help me make the decision. The only other person I discuss this with is my husband and he is OK either ways.